You're not the best guy in my world you know. In fact , far from it. You've made me cry more than anyone else in my life. Hell even my parents with all their quarrels didn't have that kind of impact on me. But yes, sometimes I did wonder if all the anger I doled out on you was partially their fault? That perhaps in my anger I held you responsible for the things that you were really not responsible for, that if you didn't know how to deal with a love starved girl, it wasn't totally your fault, for you , I failed to realize back then , hadn't led a perfect life either and that your childhood at least to a certain extent wasn't all rosy either, that you to in some silent moments had craved for a bit of love, understanding, patience and fewer expectations.
I forgot that in some ways you're just as fragile as I am and that because you're a guy you have this added burden of "you must not show you're vulnerable" on your shoulders
In fact there were moments I actually got mad at you for keeping up with this "I'm strong and I can handle anything" facade! Because i've known for a fact that it's all gibberish and can't really be true for any guy you know?! Oh well, what did I, with all my idealistic approach towards life, understand about society and the ways of this world back then?!
Was I ever in love with you? I still don't know. Maybe because I've barely ever had that true selfless love being shown to me I still don't know what it is to love or to be or feel loved. And let's not even talk about selfless love for then i'd be all tight lipped. Could anyone ever love selflessly I'm left asking myself at times! I know I couldn't regardless of how sacrificial, great or amazing I thought I was!! And even if I were selfless in the beginning phase of our friendship I truly held it against you later , wondering why you couldn't do the same for me, which totally killed the purpose of being selfless, the last thing you ought to do is to expect something in return! Oh well, that truly shattered that image of me the Martyr!
However what I do remember is how much I wanted to be friends with you, how I'd scan my workplace just to catch a glimpse of you, how I'd be all uptight around you, how ...as much as I wanted to, I didn't know what to talk about with you, how I totally loved it when you looked at me and yet feigned ignorance or lack of interest. That surely had me smiling inwardly for it confirmed all the more, that you were just as keen to talk to me. I am amazed to think that I actually possessed this kind of insight back then, considering how bloody naiive I truly was, hell, based on what a dear friend told me recently, I still am!!! But I think I wasn't all too confident back then, thanks to my acne ridden face, I guess just didn't see any point in why any guy would be interested in me and so let me not act like this omniscient chick who truth be told wasn't all that sure about it back then. But I guess that surity seeped in only in retrospect if you know what I mean? :P
What I do remember very distinctly is how much I really cared for you and how you were an inevitable part of my everyday prayers, yeah you actually were! And to think that seven years later I'm this agnostic girl who doesn't care about prayers at all, who isn't sure if God exists but certainly believes in a higher power. Anyway, it's strange how at times I shed tears when you as usual turned to me to share yet another of your adventures with a random girl with me. Of course you never went into any details for you thought I was, in some way , too innocent or sacred for that but hell the very thought that you felt something for a girl made my eyes burn, that you might have kissed her made me feel angry. What's really interesting is that I never understood those emotions. My schooling in an all girls school wasn't much of a help either! And you were this mean ass who I'm sure sometimes just narrated tales that were sheer figments of your imagination and wow how I believed every word you uttered. Amazingly enough, I didn't even feel the need to get any sense of validity, or that I didn't even question , not even once if it was all true!
All that was seven years ago. I smile for I just got off the phone after an as usual hot and cold conversation with you. I smile for i now realize I had kind of a crush on you. Did I know it back then? Haha Hell no!!!
Photo credit : Maryanne Jacobsen @ dailypainters.com
