I am a writer

I’ve often wondered how people realize whether or not they have what it takes to be a writer. A good writer.Do they witness a flash of lightning accompanied by a rich masculine voice that declares – ‘Thou Shall Be a Writer?’ Are they “The Chosen One?” - The way Harry is greeted on the dawn of his birthday by a giant only to be told that he’s a wizard!

Have you ever felt confused to the point of crying yourself to sleep? That's what this constant dilemma of whether or not I could write did to me at times. I asked the wrong questions.Instead of seeking inspiration from the cream ie the seasoned writers I compared myself with them. Consequently I ended up sabotaging myself though unknowingly. Even the best of writers have doubted themselves at some point or the other. But that didn’t stop them from honing their craft. I forgot that. Not everyone’s born a Mozart. But anyone can be a Lincoln or Shaw provided he’s willing to persist and follow his heart’s desire. It's funny how we sometimes forget how hard a person must have toiled to reach the pinnacle of success. He didn't just get lucky!

I sat on my bedroom floor with a newly purchased textbook in my hands. The words made little sense to me. All I could do was to flip through the book, admire the pictures and smell the pages. How I love the scent of new books and the feel of glossed pages! When will I learn to read mom? I asked feeling disappointed. I was 6 then. English isn’t my native language nevertheless it fascinated me. That should have told me something! I wrote my first poem at 7 and more at the ages of 12, 15, 17 and 19 but those were just random spurts and not many in number. I didn’t write regularly. My perfectionist attitude became my bane.

I gave myself several alibis to not write. Stephen King began writing as a kid , so did Ray Bradbury.I’ve never written much of anything. You have to start early in life otherwise it just means you never desired enough to be a writer. Ehem Joseph Conrad began writing at 40. There are some who began as late as 60. I thought you need the approval of others to gauge your ability. But what’s the point if your own approval is missing!

Writer – the word made me skip a beat. I often found myself reading the biographies of top writers, admiring them more than the in-demand celebrities. I was always filled with a sense of reverence for them, and comraderie for those who aspired to take up the craft. It took me a while to understand why. Journaling filled me with a sense of relief. But there’s a difference in weaving stories and venting out feelings I’d think. At 16 I began to look for a medium via which I could touch lives. Until a long time I questioned my calling when it was right under my nose!

And then came the epiphany. I turned 21 a few months back. I realized I was scared to write.I think I’ve always known that I have a writer’s soul. I just kept denying it. Perhaps that's what fear of failure does to us - it paralyses us. I shuddered to think how a few years down the line , I may regret that I didn’t give myself a chance. Besides, not using a talent is equivalent to being ungrateful for it. A month after my birthday , I got myself enrolled in a writing diploma. “It’s high time I get into some action”, I thought. Besides how would I ever know the answer if I don't even try!

And now I have decided to write not for appreciation or approval but for the joy it brings to me, for the high you get from breathing life into words.